Sharalysis

(and the little screenplay that could)

I feel stuck. I find myself mindlessly scrolling, wanting to connect, wanting to engage, but somehow I’m stuck in the loop of observing, thinking about sharing, and then talking myself out of sharing. Right now, this feels like the boldest move I can make: to tell this secret that I feel paralyzed by the prospect of sharing my inner world.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would share, and then I share nothing. I spend so much time thinking about the great ideas I want to put down on paper and not following through. Historically, my writing process is slow. I tend to marinate on ideas, fully flesh them out to the point that they exist in my mind and in my mind only; then, if the idea has stuck around for long enough and I can still get behind it, I’ll sometimes commit it to paper (or computer screen, as it were). I am terrible with consistency and discipline when it comes to my personal creative pursuits. I realize I am the problem.

I’m struggling with an inner conflict of what to post and what not to post. And why? What is the point, anyway? What do I write in this space, and do I even care to share it? I think the social media factor is a big part of what deters me from writing. I want to get over that.

I have so much to share with the world that’s floating around in my brain, but over the last few years, I have learned an important lesson in regards to myself and the general public. I used to put it all out there, give it all away, overshare. After many years of living like that, both in real life and online, I found myself depleted, tired, and even hurt. I’ve been working on my personal boundaries around privacy. I learned I’m not for everyone, but not only that; everyone doesn’t get to have access to me anymore. I used to give it away so freely. I’m so much more buttoned-up than I used to be. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s motherhood, maybe it’s the fact that I quit drinking almost two years ago. Maybe it’s all of this combined, co-starring General Anxiety.

I am working on so many ideas, so many thoughts are brewing. Big ideas. Memoirs. Screenplays. Performance art pieces. Music. In my heart of hearts, I am a creator. I’m a performer. I’m a storyteller. I love to sing. I love to act. I love to write. But so often, I’m lost in my thoughts, paralyzed by the prospect of actually sharing. What am I afraid of?

So today, in an effort to get over myself, I’m posting this and celebrating an accomplishment. It’s one that does make me feel slightly insane, presuming the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. A screenplay I’ve been working on for the last decade (for real) placed in the Austin Film Festival as a Second Rounder—for the second time.

I started writing Sheila Got Bangs in 2014. I spent two years developing it and rewriting it, up until the point that my son was born in the fall of 2016. I intentionally back-burnered it in an effort to “quit the biz” and “just be a mom,” but I failed at quitting the biz and still found myself on various film sets.

Sheila Got Bangs is the project that just won’t die. Friends who have read it or known about it from the start continue to ask about it (thank you!). It’s had lots of cheerleaders over the years (also thank you!). Last year, I thought I might have found a home for it, but that avenue didn’t pan out. The silver lining there was that I got all my ducks in a row down to drafting a budget, scouting locations, assembling a production team, drafting the shooting schedule, and the creation of this amazing look book by my talented partner-in-film, Jen West (who is owed special thanks for many reasons, one of which was hipping me to screenplay contests in the first place).

With all of that momentum, I ended up submitting the screenplay to multiple competitions. To my great surprise, Sheila placed in several contests, and I was even awarded a small grant to Film in NC from my all-time favorite festival, Cucalorus. All of this is so awesome, truly, but the movie still doesn’t exist.

This year, in the tenth year of Sheila since its inception, I submitted for another grant in NC, and I resubmitted to the Austin Film Festival Script Competition. The fest encouraged entrants to resubmit as there would be different readers each year, so I did. While I didn’t get the NC grant as hoped, I just found out that I placed exactly as I did last year in the Austin Film Fest. So now I am a Second Time Second Rounder. While this is an honor, the movie still doesn’t exist, and I do feel a lil cuckoo.

I guess I’m sharing this with a two-fold purpose. I’m trying to break my sharing paralysis (sharalysis?), this rut in which I continually get stuck, and I’m also working on shouting it from the rooftops that there is still this screenplay that is begging to get made if we could find the right home for it! This movie isn’t gonna get made if I don’t talk about it, right?

So, a few action items:

1. If you like to read screenplays, I will gladly send you the script. I would love to share it with anyone who’s interested.

2. If you’re a producer who wants to make an indie feature film for $300k (or more), I have an award-winning script and a kickass team of womxn filmmakers who are fired up, ready to GO, baby!

3. If you know someone who knows someone who fits the above bill, I would love to be connected.

4. If you’re a writer and/or filmmaker, drop some encouraging words for me. Do these words/problems resonate with you?

I guess this is my last ditch effort at spreading the screenplay far and wide. I am gearing up to pen my third and fourth screenplays (of course I’m working on two at the same time; both already exist in my brain, they just need to be put to paper and fleshed out).

In addition to the Filmed in NC grant I received last year, I was also awarded an artist support grant to take a writing retreat. At least I know this about myself: I write best when I’m completely isolated, all alone, away from my day-to-day surroundings, away from people. On November 8th, I’ll fly to Nashville, TN and spend a week writing. I cannot freaking wait! No family, no work, just writing.

I’ve been mentally preparing to tell this next story for a very long while, and I know it needs dedicated time and sacred space to get it out. I need space to focus. I am also slightly afraid of this story (and both of these stories), but I know that’s a good sign that I should keep going. I’m inspired, and that’s always half the battle. Maybe I’m onto something. Maybe I’ll get my shit together and document the retreat process here. Maybe.

As for Sheila Got Bangs, I trust that it will exist in the world one day when the timing is right. Life seems to unfold in some divine timing that isn’t always the way we expect it to or want it to. If Second Time Second Rounder is the end of Sheila’s journey, I am at peace with that. Sheila is the little screenplay engine that could; she just needs a little rest, but she’ll most likely resurface.